


and you will see it's easy to be loved

by shinelikestars



Category: Butterfly Soup (Visual Novel)
Genre: Coming Out, Developing Relationship, F/F, Relationship Problems, gooey mushy love, i love healthy relationships, proper formatting? idk her, with brief bits of angst in between ooh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-09 23:40:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13492254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinelikestars/pseuds/shinelikestars
Summary: snapshots of akarsha and noelle's relationship in high school. inspired by this request on my tumblr: "can we please please have lovesick noelle!!" (which, as you know by now, you absolutely can have)AKA the one where akarsha and noelle navigate the trials and tribulations of love and high school together





	and you will see it's easy to be loved

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from "through the dark" by one direction
> 
> tw: brief homophobic/biphobic dialogue
> 
> i just want to apologize for it taking me so long to get this out. i have not been in a great place lately, but finishing this fic has helped, and i am excited to share it with you all. i will be honest: i am still hurting right now, a lot, in many ways. i may be taking a short break from writing because of this; i need time to re-assess what i want from life and how i'm gonna get that, and i need time to heal and learn to be at peace with myself and the choices i've made. i don't know how long that will take. i want to get back to writing soon, but i cannot write if i am not in a healthy state of mind, not to mention that i still have four months left of hell school to get through that unfortunately requires a great deal of time and commitment from me.
> 
> thank you for being patient with me up until now, and i hope that you can be patient with me again as i sort myself out and figure things out.
> 
> now, without further ado, let's hear from our favorite losers!

_freshman year_

It’s a beautiful day out. The sky is that vibrant kind of blue you only see in photographs, and there’s not a cloud to be found — a rarity for the Bay Area, Noelle thinks. There’s only a slight breeze, and the balmy weather is a delicious hint at the summer days soon to come. 

 

The sun is warm on her back as she sits down at their lunch table, almost nailing Akarsha in the side with her lunchbox. “Alas, I have been killed,” Akarsha gasps, clutching at her imaginary wound and contorting her face into an expression of severe pain. 

 

“Don’t be such a baby,” she says, trying but failing to keep the chuckle out of her voice. A ray of sunlight shines directly on their table, and even Akarsha can’t focus enough to continue her ruse — she gives in, tipping her head back and closing her eyes, a happy sigh escaping. 

 

“So nice out,” Diya comments, reaching into Noelle’s lunchbox for a grape. Noelle places the plastic baggie on the table to grant her better access. 

 

“ _Too_ nice out,” Min agrees, leaning into Diya’s side. “Taking exams in this kind of weather is such horseshit. We should be outside, but _nooo,_ we have to explain the significance of Mercury’s death and why Juliet symbolizes light and shit.” 

 

“Mercury?” Noelle questions, raising a brow at Min’s words. “Do you mean Mercutio?” 

 

“She means Mercutio,” Diya confirms. She turns to Min. “Did you call him that on the exam?”

 

“ _Fuck_ , whatever,” Min hisses, her frustration evident. Noelle knows she likes to pretend she doesn’t care about academia, but she also knows that Min has to maintain a C average to stay at their school, and she’d do anything to stay with Diya. 

 

“Don’t freak out yet, Min,” Akarsha chimes in. “We still have a Biology exam to get through before you can officially panic. And then it’ll be summer break, and you can spend as much time panicking as you want.” Noelle busies herself with picking the bits of meat out of her stirfry; Min takes them without asking, but she’s not in the mood to yell at her for it.

 

“Yeah, speaking of,” Min says through a mouth full of pork, “what’re our plans for the summer? Because obviously you guys are gonna miss me if we don’t hang out at least once a week. Can’t blame you, I’m pretty great.” 

 

“Need to get away from my parents,” Diya mutters. “Think we all do — well, except maybe you, Akarsha, your parents are kinda cool.”

 

“I guess I could tell my mom I’m doing summer tutoring,” Noelle offers. “But it’ll have to wait — I’m leaving Saturday for a three-week math camp at Berkeley.” Next to her, Akarsha makes a disappointed noise. “Don’t be so whiny,” she murmurs, finding Akarsha’s hand under the table and squeezing gently. “It’s only three weeks.” 

 

Min eyes their intertwined hands, nose wrinkling. “And you wanna call me and Diya disgusting? Hippocrates.”

 

“Hypocrite,” Diya corrects her. “I’m teaching her about Ancient Greece,” she adds, not sounding nearly as apologetic as she ought to. Akarsha laughs, allowing her head to rest on Noelle’s shoulder with a contented hum.

 

“Whatever,” Min scowls. “I don’t get why you’re acting so weird today, Noelle. Shouldn’t you be, like, flipping your shit over this exam?” 

 

“Normally she would be, but I got her relaxed,” Akarsha grins deviously. Noelle swats at her arm as Diya and Min dissolve into giggles.

 

“That is absolutely not true,” she insists. “At least, not in that way. Akarsha just happens to be very good at providing occasional amusement so I temporarily forget about the stress of exams.” 

 

“Okay, see, now I can tell you’re freaking out because you sound like a fuckin’ robot,” Min points out. 

 

“We’re happy that you’re happy,” Diya speaks up, plucking the final grape from Noelle’s bunch. “Really. ’S nice to see you like this. Not stressed.” 

 

Noelle can’t deny it. It _is_ nice, to have that constant pressure on her chest momentarily lifted, to feel like she can breathe without some kind of iron weight in her lungs. She and Akarsha have only been “dating” (it’s not really official, yet) for a few months, but Noelle can’t remember the last time she had a stress-induced breakdown. Possibly October, or November, but definitely not anywhere close to when she allowed Akarsha into her life in the best of ways. Perhaps it can’t be fully attributed to Akarsha — baseball club could have something to do with it, she supposes, the consistent exposure to the outdoors and the dreaded exercises Liz and Chryssa put them through — but there is no doubt in Noelle’s mind that Akarsha has changed things for the better.

She never liked change before, not unless that change meant her grade going from a 99% to a 100%. But if change involves Akarsha, if change involves going into a test not on the verge of crying her eyes out, if change involves _happiness_ — then Noelle thinks she’ll learn how to get used to it.

 

_summer after freshman year_

She comes home from math camp exhausted. Math has always been her weakest subject — something her mother is well aware of, and no doubt the primary reason as to why she’d picked that camp for Noelle — and keeping up the pretense of total understanding was immensely tiring. Not to mention that every other kid there was just like her, if not ten times worse (Min would say that couldn’t be possible), obsessed with their GPAs and class rankings and already trying to dual-enroll at Johns Hopkins at fifteen years old, and by Day Two, Noelle had grown sick of them. Twenty-one days surrounded by better versions of her was, predictably, sheer torture. 

 

Part of her thinks that her mother was trying to punish her, that her mother had also predicted how terrible this camp would be for her and wanted to get back at her for earning a 99 on the Bio final and not a 100. 

 

Another part of her wants to believe that her mother wouldn’t be so awful, but she should know better than to expect any semblance of humanity or kindness from the woman who raised her. That woman operates in numbers, not feelings. “Love” is a foreign word to her.

 

(What scares Noelle most is the thought that, if not for Akarsha, Diya, and even Min, she might end up like her too. Robotic. Emotionless. Uncaring. Obsessed with success. She doesn’t want to be like that.)

 

The drive home was only an hour, but her parents had insisted on stopping by a friend’s place for dinner, and her mother had spent so long comparing accomplishments with the other woman that they hadn’t gotten home until nearly ten. Noelle uses the late hour as an excuse to immediately disappear upstairs and get ready for bed; she doesn’t even bother to unpack her suitcase, abandoning it at the foot of her bed the moment she walks through the door. 

 

Almost as if on cue, her phone buzzes with a text. Noelle had been allowed to bring it to camp in case of an emergency, but campers weren’t otherwise permitted to use their phones, and she hadn’t dared to break that rule and risk incurring her mother’s wrath. She digs the phone out of her pocket, smiling in spite of herself when she sees that the message is from Akarsha. 

 

** [9:51] Akarsha: u back yet?? miss ur face **

 

_** [9:52] Noelle: Yes, we just got home. Mom decided to stop by an old friend’s house for a quick visit that turned into a four-hour ordeal. Do you want to try to do something tomorrow? I wouldn’t mind seeing you either. ** _

 

** [9:53] Akarsha: one sec **

 

** [10:00] Akarsha: do me a favor **

 

_** [10:01] Noelle: That certainly wasn’t one second. ** _

 

** [10:01] Akarsha: look out ur window :))) & pls dont kill me **

 

Noelle sets her phone down on her desk and tiptoes over to the window, careful not to make her footfalls too suspiciously heavy, lest her parents hear and decide to come check on her. As she peers outside, it takes a second for her eyes to make out the figure in the darkness, but after her eyes adjust, she easily spots Akarsha standing in her backyard, silhouetted in moonlight. 

 

She’s not sure whether it’s disgustingly romantic, heart-attack inducing, or both.

 

_**[10:03] Noelle: Care to enlighten me as to why you’re standing in my backyard at 10 o’clock at night?** _

 

** [10:03] Akarsha: couldnt wait till tomorrow to see u. i can go home if u want but its kinda cold out here tbh **

 

_** [10:04] Noelle: What are my parents going to do if they catch you here?! They’ll kill us both! ** _

 

_** [10:04] Noelle: I don’t even know what my mother would be angrier about — the fact that I might possibly be enjoying myself, or the fact that I have a GIRL coming to my house in the middle of the night, like something out of one of Diya’s stupid romantic comedies. ** _

 

** [10:05] Akarsha: wait r u legit mad? im sorry i didnt wanna stress u out i can srsly leave rn just lemme know **

 

_** [10:06] Noelle: No, it’s fine. You’re here now anyway. I’ll be down in a second. ** _

 

The trek downstairs is quite possibly the most stressful three minutes of Noelle’s life; she swears she forgets how to breathe when one of the stairs creaks under her weight. Noelle considers herself to be an atheist, but when she finally makes it to the back door in the kitchen to let Akarsha inside, she briefly mulls over the possibilities of some sort of god being on her side. 

 

The night air is cool on her face as she opens the door, but the slight chill is quickly replaced by warmth as Akarsha practically tackles her in a hug, sending Noelle stumbling backwards into the kitchen counter. Polyester scratches at her cheek, Akarsha winding her arms around her neck and letting out a happy little sigh as Noelle leans into the embrace, the scent of Akarsha’s citrus shampoo filling her nose. It’s oddly comforting, even if a part of her is acutely aware of the presence of her parents’ bedroom just down the hall.

 

“Missed you,” Akarsha whispers as they break apart, Noelle reaching around her to quietly shut the back door.

 

“Clearly,” she whispers back, hiding her smile as she beckons for Akarsha to follow her up the stairs. 

 

This is the closest to alone they’ve ever been, their friends or parents perpetually nearby, so Noelle’s not surprised when Akarsha tugs her into a kiss the moment she gets her door closed. She tastes like the blue flavor of Hubba Bubba gum, which makes Noelle think she’s hung out with Diya today, since that’s her favorite flavor. 

 

“You couldn’t even wait one second,” Noelle pretends to scold her, Akarsha pulling back a little red-faced. 

 

The other girl only grins sheepishly in response. “Like I said, I missed you. And we don’t get to do this very often,” she says, gesturing to Noelle’s room.

 

Noelle feigns confusion. “What, kissing? Because I think we do that plenty. You sneaking into my room at ten at night, on the other hand…” She trails off when she sees the remnants of Akarsha’s grin quickly dissipating. An all-too-familiar pressure suddenly starts up in her chest.

 

“Is everything alright? Not that I don’t enjoy seeing you, but it probably could’ve waited until tomorrow, for the sake of our respective sleep cycles,” she points out, taking Akarsha’s hand in hers. She’s cold, almost certainly from standing outside for so long.

 

“I just missed you, Noelle. That’s all,” she insists. But then Akarsha hesitates, and Noelle’s heart sinks. “Shit. I can’t lie to you. Um.” Their eyes meet, and the pressure intensifies at the shininess in Akarsha’s gaze. 

 

“I haven’t been in a great place lately,” Akarsha confesses, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “And I just needed to get out of the house, y’know? My brother’s home from school, and I swear to god all my parents ever wanna talk about is the internship he’s gonna get with Google and how _spectacular_ his grades have been, and how freaking _wonderful_ that is for a freshman at Stanford. And Aavya’s eight, so any time they don’t spend talking about my brother goes to her, and I’m just — ” Her breath hitches, and Noelle squeezes at her hand while she takes a second to compose herself.

 

“Whenever my parents do actually talk to me, it feels like it’s only about stupid crap. Like, ‘Hey, Akarsha, can you take out the trash?’ or ‘Akarsha, can you wash the dishes? Akarsha, can you turn up the AC? Akarsha, can you walk Aavya to her friend’s house?’ And I don’t know why I care so fucking much, except maybe for the fact that it’s not _like_ this during the school year,” Akarsha continues, the slightest hint of a quiver in her voice. “I mean, when Asav’s not home, they’re still obsessed with Aavya, but at least I’m included at dinner. At least they ask about my day, joke about stuff going on with the family in India, offer to help me study for tests. But Asav’s home now, so it’s just… shitty. And even being with Diya and Min didn’t really help, because I just felt like the third wheel. You were off at math camp, and it just wasn’t the same. Not even close.”

 

This is one of the things Noelle hates about caring about someone else — having to face the difficult reality that sometimes, things hurt them, and sometimes there are problems that she doesn’t have the answers for. Akarsha never talked about her brother much when they were just friends; only when they explored the territory beyond that did she finally mention Asav, the Stanford-attending overachiever double-majoring in computer science and linguistics. The insecurity complex there became all too clear, and Diya, the only one of their group who had actually met him, had told her that Asav was so nice to Akarsha, it often came off as patronizing — not to mention that his accomplishments left Akarsha feeling left in the dust, always striving to step out of his shadow. 

 

(Diya had also told her that Akarsha never brought up Asav around her before because she was scared Noelle would like her brother better than her. Noelle prefers not to think about that too much — it makes her hurt in a way she can’t quite explain.)

 

She doesn’t know how to make Akarsha feel better. It’s not as if she can wave a wand and magically make Asav and all his insane achievements go away. She can’t make Akarsha’s parents pay more attention to their daughter, and she can’t make Akarsha’s pain disappear. All she can do is listen and nod, offer the occasional hug if need be, and there aren’t words to describe how immensely frustrating that is. Where’s _x_? How does she solve this particular equation? What’s the answer?

 

It makes her want to scream. But a scream wouldn’t be appropriate, not to mention that her parents would hear, so instead she offers the best possible remedy she can: “Do you want to spend the night?” 

 

Akarsha nods gratefully, snuggling into Noelle’s side as she sets an alarm for six AM. Her mother will wake her up at seven, as she does every morning so she can get a head start on her summer workbooks, so Akarsha will have to leave before then. They won’t have long together, only somewhere around seven and a half hours, but Noelle will take whatever she can get. Something about Akarsha’s warmth next to her is almost too comforting to comprehend.

 

Sleep comes fast, faster than it normally does, but when the vibrations of her phone’s alarm wake her up at six, Noelle still feels barely rested. She opens her eyes just enough to make out the hazy outline of her phone to turn off the alarm, the bed shifting as Akarsha stirs and lets out a yawn. “Six already, huh? That went by fast,” she murmurs.

 

Noelle can’t really form a coherent sentence, so she settles for “Mhm” as a sign of her agreement. Akarsha’s perched on the edge of the bed now, pulling on her shoes as she prepares to leave. It’s cold without her next to her.

 

Noelle is faintly aware of the press of a kiss to her forehead and the slight weight of Akarsha leaning over her as she whispers, “Go back to bed. I’ll see you soon, okay? I love you, sleep well.” Then the weight disappears, and the last thing she hears is the soft shutting of the door before she drifts back into blackness.

 

Only when her mother shakes her awake at seven, yelling at her to hurry up and get dressed, does Noelle realize what Akarsha said before she left. _I love you._

 

The words bounce around in her head as she shakily buttons her shirt and pulls on a pair of clean khakis. Her braid is messy today, looser than usual because her fingers don’t seem to want to cooperate. By 7:15, she can’t handle it any longer. She has to talk to someone about this, or she’s going to go crazy. 

 

_** [7:16] Noelle: Question. Can 15-year-olds even truly understand what love is? Is that a concept within our grasp? ** _

 

** [7:17] Diya: uh i don’t know probably **

 

** [7:17] Diya: can’t really think right now you woke me up **

 

_** [7:18] Noelle: Sorry.  ** _

 

_** [7:19] Noelle: But, okay, hypothetically, if Akarsha told me she loved me at six in the morning, do you think it was just a groggy slip of the tongue? Or could she have really meant it?  ** _

 

_** [7:20] Noelle: Are we too young to really comprehend what love means? DO YOU THINK SHE ACTUALLY MEANT IT ** _

 

** [7:20] Diya: omg noelle please calm down **

 

** [7:21] Diya: anyway i mean **

 

** [7:21] Diya: at the end of the day akarsha cares about you and you care about her right **

 

** [7:21] Diya: so that’s really all that matters **

 

 

** [7:21] Akarsha: morning :) i gotta say, u looked so pretty this morning that it was kinda hard to leave u, i may be traumatized for years to come **

 

** [7:22] Akarsha: oh and btw if u heard anything rhyming with ‘bi dove too’ u totally don’t have to ever think about it again ok we can just pretend it never happened im cool w that **

 

Noelle’s response comes more naturally than she’d anticipated.

 

_** [7:22] Noelle: Rest assured that I am absolutely thinking about it. In a good way, of course. ** _

 

** [7:23] Akarsha: :’) **

 

_sophomore year_

For a while, sophomore year feels like it’s going to be better. Why wouldn’t it be better? After all, she has Akarsha now, and thanks to Min, Diya is happier than ever, which should translate to Noelle being happier than ever, since she’s one of the few people who can actually make her smile. The math camp at Berkeley was exhausting, but it should have her prepared for Honors Pre-Calculus, and she’s excited for AP World History, even if it’s sure to provoke a litany of infuriating jokes from Akarsha. Things should be good. Maybe not easy, but they should be _better_.

 

(Suffice it to say that there’s a lot of _shoulds_ involved.)

 

And maybe for a while, sophomore year _is_ better — but what the posters on College Confidential seem to have left out is that, at least at her school, the increase in grade level also comes with an insane increase in course load. Two months in, with four-plus hours of homework a night, four AP classes suddenly seems like less of a brilliant way to get ahead and more of a nightmare. Noelle’s somewhat managing it, the sole benefit of her crazy mother having prepped her for this, but by early November, she can tell that Diya and Akarsha are barely coping. Diya comes to school with bags under her eyes; Min’s mentioned that she’s averaging around three to five hours of sleep. Akarsha’s humor has lost its touch — her jokes fall flat now, and her voice doesn’t hold the same perpetual (albeit occasionally irritating) optimism it did before. 

 

Noelle is worried about them. They still have seven months to go, and at this rate, they’ll be completely burned out by February. Parents and colleges alike won’t be fans of that.

 

She helps the best she can. She teaches Akarsha the most effective studying methods she knows (cheating isn’t an option anymore — she convinced Akarsha to stop spring of freshman year). She meets Diya at the library to quiz her on notecards, and she even researches the most supportive kinds of running shoes so her best friend won’t sprain an ankle every time she gets stressed out. And, in spite of the fact that it goes against every moral code she abides by, she buys Akarsha several family-size bags of Cool Ranch Doritos, if only because she knows that makes her happy.

 

In spite of all her efforts, everything finally comes to a head the week after Election Day. It’s 10:30 PM on a Thursday when her phone buzzes with a call from Akarsha. “I don’t think I can do this, Noelle,” is the first thing out of Akarsha’s mouth when she picks up, and the evident tears in her voice make something in Noelle’s chest twinge.

 

“What do you mean?” she asks, shifting the phone on her shoulder, already reaching for her shoes. 

 

“My AP Chem test tomorrow,” Akarsha sniffles. “It’s on bonding and molecular geometries, and I don’t understand _any_ of it, shit, I’m gonna fail and my parents are gonna _kill_ me—”

 

“Akarsha, stop,” she interrupts, bending down to tie her shoelaces. “First of all, you’re absolutely not going to fail. Don’t be ridiculous. Are your parents home? Mine are already asleep, so I’ll come over and quiz you, and I’m positive you’ll know more than you think you do. There’s really nothing to worry about.” 

 

“I don’t want you to quiz me, okay? My parents are with Aavya at my grandparents’, and I — I really just need someone right now, to just _be here_.” 

 

That’s when Noelle finishes tying her shoes and resolves to be at Akarsha’s in ten. Because now she knows — this is more than just a test.

 

Min always teases her for her ugly New Balance sneakers, but tonight they’re an invaluable asset as she speed-walks to Akarsha’s house with all the might she can muster. She ends up on Akarsha’s doorstep breathless and sweating, but with a new nine-minute record that Diya would be proud of. 

 

Akarsha opens the door appearing far more composed than expected, though it’d be impossible not to spot the bandaids on three of her fingers where she’s picked at the skin of her cuticles, a nervous habit Noelle has only noticed recently. “Thanks for coming,” she says softly. With the glow of the porch light filtered across her skin, the exhaustion in her features is all too apparent, and Noelle wishes more than ever that she could snap her fingers and make stress a foreign concept for the people in her life. 

 

“Of course,” is all she can think to respond with as she steps across the threshold, Akarsha closing the door behind her. They stand there for a few moments, silence heavy between them, until Noelle coughs awkwardly, an idea popping into her mind. “Why don’t you go sit on the couch? I’ll make you some tea.” Chai tea — well, it’s technically called masala chai — is probably the sole drink Akarsha likes that won’t give her heart disease, and Akarsha’s parents actually taught her how to make it a few months ago, since she’d been over at their house so often. The process can be quite soothing, if she’s honest.

 

Once she’s got the tea steeping, she joins Akarsha in the living room, handing her a blanket she finds thrown across the back of Akarsha’s father’s favorite chair. The couch is just big enough for the two of them, and there’s a certain kind of comfort in the way Akarsha’s knees knock against hers as they settle into the cushions. She waits for Akarsha to get relatively cozy before she speaks what’s on her mind.

 

“What’s really bothering you? It’s obvious that this is about more than just a test.” 

 

At that, tears start to bead at the corners of Akarsha’s eyes. “It’s so stupid — you’re gonna think I’m crazy.”

 

“No, I won’t,” she promises, stroking a thumb across the back of Akarsha’s hand.

 

“My parents took Aavya to see my grandparents, right? And it’s dumb, but — I don’t know, I just really miss them. I haven’t seen them in months, and _god_ I would kill for some of my grandma’s roti laddu right now, or one of my grandfather’s stupid jokes — but I can’t, I can’t have that, I can’t because I have to study for this _fucking_ test I’m gonna fail,” Akarsha hisses. Her shoulders are shaking — she’s obviously trying to hold off on crying. “And my parents think I have an A+, but I barely have an A, I’m scraping by with a 90.5%, and I can’t let them down, because if I do, they’ll realize I’m not perfect, I’m actually just a failure who pretends like everything’s okay when it’s actually falling apart all around me, and they brag about me non-stop but they _shouldn’t be_ because I’m just going to disappoint them in the end, I’m going to disappoint everybody—” Her words dissolve into sobs, and an uncomfortable weight settles in Noelle’s lungs as Akarsha tries to hide her face in her hands. She knows that Akarsha doesn’t like people to see her cry, but it’s still painful to watch.

 

Temporarily, she does away with logic and acts purely on instinct, gathering Akarsha in her arms and holding her close, like she might be able to somehow absorb her sadness and deal with it for her. If only that were an option; Noelle would gladly do it. Instead, she settles for running her fingers through Akarsha’s hair until she feels the other girl’s breathing slowly start to even out.

 

“We’ll make a plan, okay?” she says quietly. “A multi-step plan. We’ll figure out how to tackle all your coursework, schedule it so you can have some free time and see your grandparents. So you won’t be stressed all the time. So you can be happy, because you deserve to be happy.”

 

Akarsha hiccups, pulling back a little to look up at her. “You sure about that?” she jokes, though it doesn’t sound quite the same with a breaking voice.

 

“I couldn’t be more sure if I ran the numbers,” Noelle instantly replies, taking even herself by surprise. “Because I love you, Akarsha, and I’m proud of you.”

 

Her words hang in the air for a beat, and panic begins to claw at her chest as Akarsha simply stares at her. She hadn’t intended to say it, not this soon — they still haven’t addressed what Akarsha had said that morning in July, and a part of her wants to believe that fifteen-going-on-sixteen is too soon to love — but it had just slipped out, and. Well. Here they are.

 

Akarsha blinks once, twice, three times. “You’re not just saying that because I just had a mental breakdown.” The way she says it, a question that comes out as more of a statement that she maybe wants to be true, reminds Noelle so much of Diya that it almost makes her laugh.

 

And then she does laugh. “Absolutely not. Congratulations, you’ve won me over. You can bask in your victory now, but if you speak of it to anyone other than myself, I will absolutely deny it.” 

 

Luckily, before the emotion of it all can get too intense for her liking, she’s saved by the tea kettle, a high-pitched whistle ringing out in the air and beckoning her to the kitchen. It’s a process to disentangle herself from Akarsha to get up, but the grin on her face when Noelle returns with the chai makes it completely worth the effort.

 

And that’s how Noelle knows she’s completely, utterly done for, because in that moment, she couldn’t be more certain — she’d do anything to see that kind of grin again.

••••

Noelle jolts awake at the sound of keys in the door.

 

They’d spent a good hour chatting and cuddling after — she’d even allowed Akarsha to show her a few of her favorite memes of the week, which she’d enjoyed maybe a little too much — and Akarsha had been the first to fall asleep. Noelle doesn’t remember getting sleepy, but obviously that had happened at some point, because she’s caught between the sofa and Akarsha, a painful crick in her neck and the familiar feeling of grogginess in her bones.

 

_The keys._ Akarsha’s parents and Aavya must be home. Akarsha is still snoring away — Noelle is certain a fire alarm could go off and she wouldn’t even stir, that’s how heavy of a sleeper she is. Confident she won’t disturb her, Noelle jumps up from the sofa like it’s burning her, grabbing the abandoned cup of chai from the coffee table in the hopes that it might give her something resembling an alibi. Akarsha’s parents are less insane than hers, and they’re kind to her, but curled up with their daughter is too compromising a position to be seen in. Noelle’s well aware that they were in favor of Proposition 8 — Diya’s told her as much.

 

She’s apparently been blessed with the gift of perfect timing, because the second she gets the cup in her hands, Akarsha’s mother walks through the door, little Aavya in tow. Aavya spots her first, a huge smile spreading across her face as she breaks away from her mother and runs towards Noelle. “Frenchie! Will you braid my hair?” she asks. Noelle nearly drops the cup when the little girl encases her in a hug — or, at least, a seven-year-old’s version of a hug, which really just entails Aavya wrapping her arms around her legs. 

 

_Frenchie_. So that’s her new name. Noelle makes a mental note to remind Akarsha to stop calling her “Frenchman” around children — evidently, the nickname has stuck.

 

“I think it’s a little late for that,” she tells Aavya, bending down carefully to hug her back without dropping the cup. “I’ll braid your hair another time, alright? Your mom probably wants you to get to bed.”

 

“Noelle’s right,” Akarsha’s mother agrees. The warmth in her tone is beyond relieving. “Go to your room and get ready for bed, Aavya. I’ll be up to tuck you in soon.” Aavya pouts, but at the arch of a brow from her mother, she nods dejectedly and scampers up the stairs.

 

Naturally, Akarsha’s mother’s attention shifts. “It’s nice to see you, Noelle, but it’s very late,” she points out. “It must be almost midnight. Does your mother know you’re here?”

 

“Of course,” Noelle says hastily. “I came over to help Akarsha study for a test she has in Advanced Placement Chemistry tomorrow. Or—” she glances at her watch— “later this morning, I suppose.”

 

A small smile from Akarsha’s mom. “Then where are your textbooks?” 

 

Noelle hopes her gulp of terror isn’t audible. “Oh, I cleaned up when Akarsha started to get sleepy,” she tells her. “In fact, I was just getting ready to leave.” 

 

Thankfully, Akarsha’s father chooses that moment to enter the house. Keys still dangling in his fingers, he takes one look at his wife and says, “It’s awfully late to be walking home alone. I’ll give you a ride, Noelle.”

 

A cursory glance at her phone, which is chock-full of increasingly panicked variations of _“Where are you?!”_ (in both English and Mandarin) from her mother, has Noelle accepting the offer with immense gratefulness. The last thing she needs is for her parents to ground her until college.

 

The car ride to her house is blessedly short — Akarsha’s father’s brand of dad jokes tends to wear on her nerves anytime after eight, even if he’s much more pleasant than what’s waiting for her at home. When they pull into her driveway, Noelle’s mother is already standing on the front steps, arms crossed and face twisted in a scowl. 

 

“Don’t worry,” Akarsha’s dad murmurs as they step out of the car, and Noelle is suddenly reminded that an awful sense of humor isn’t the only thing Akarsha inherited from her father. “I’ve got this.”

 

If not for the presence of a rational human being, Noelle is certain her mother would instantly unleash a stream of angry Mandarin ranting on her, but since Akarsha’s father is here, her mom sticks to an icy glare and even icier English. “Where have you been? I contacted you multiple times and you never responded. I was worried sick.”

 

“Mother, I was just down the street—”

 

“Noelle must have forgotten to tell you,” Akarsha’s father interjects. “She came over to study with Akarsha for a Chemistry test. The girls were supposed to get together earlier, but we had to rush to my in-laws’ for an emergency and didn’t get back until later. Akarsha still wanted to study, so she messaged Noelle and told her she could come over if you allowed it. I was going to call you as well to make sure you were alright with it, and maybe that’s why Noelle didn’t tell you, since she thought I would, but it slipped my mind. I’m sorry.”

 

Her mother eyes him suspiciously. “Noelle doesn’t take Chemistry.”

 

Akarsha’s father clears his throat. “No, of course, you’re right — I’m sorry, I meant English. They were studying for an English test.”

 

It’s a poorly-constructed lie, but at twelve in the morning, her mother obviously doesn’t have the energy to continue to tear it apart. “Very well. Hurry to bed, Noelle. You’re only going to get seven hours of sleep at most. I hope this does not affect your performance on the— ” she pauses, and the disbelief in her voice is clear — “ _‘test_ ’ tomorrow.” Then she disappears into the house without so much as a ‘good night’, the door slamming behind her, leaving Noelle to thank Akarsha’s father for the ride.

 

Maybe it’s the effects of the accidental nap she’d taken with Akarsha, or maybe it’s something else entirely, but when she does eventually get to bed, sleep evades her entirely. Instead, she finds herself staring up at the ceiling, wishing so badly for something to look at other than peeling drywall. On the rare occasion her mother had allowed her over to other kids’ houses as a child, they’d always had something on their ceilings. Pictures of friends and family, those cheesy posters you could buy at the Scholastic book fair for $8, even glow-in-the-dark stars once. Noelle used to come home every time begging for something to put on her walls, to make her room just a little less bare, but she’d quickly learned to either stop asking or risk not going over for playdates anymore. 

 

At least she has Diya’s snake. She can’t see it right now, but just knowing that it’s there, curled up in a corner of her room, still in pristine condition, helps a bit.

 

She doesn’t know why she cares so much. Maybe because this room doesn’t feel like it’s really hers; maybe because the absence of anything happy here makes her wonder if her parents ever cared about her happiness. Then again, they had her memorizing her times tables at five years old, so her happiness has probably never been a factor.

 

And maybe that’s part of why being with Akarsha, _caring_ about Akarsha, is so scary. All too often, it becomes hard to grasp that someone else could actually value her happiness, that someone could _want_ to make her happy. Even after all these years with Diya, she’s still not accustomed to being viewed as anything more than numbers, more than a GPA and four digits on a 0 to 2400 scale, more than a ranking or a spot on a Forbes list. It doesn’t feel quite right. To measure anything other than her success is a waste of time, surely. 

 

Noelle sometimes wonders if she’s broken. Did her parents, somewhere along the way, simply _teach_ the emotion out of her? Was there a moment when the synapses in her brain short-circuited, when her body learned to only produce dopamine at the sight of an A or a perfect score? 

 

(Physically, she knows that’s not possible. But still. It’s hard not to wonder every so often.)

 

Seeing Akarsha the way she had tonight, though — getting that hard-earned smile out of her, hearing her laugh at every stupid joke she encountered on her phone, watching her eyes twinkle. That makes the scariness worth it, in a way. If she had a pros and cons list for this, then those kinds of moments would outweigh any sort of con out there. Because Akarsha’s worth it. She’s more than worth it. 

 

And Noelle just has to learn how to get used to that. 

 

_summer after sophomore year_

Surprisingly, she’s the first one of them to get her driver’s license.

 

Noelle supposes it shouldn’t be all that surprising. Logically, with a January birthday, she’s the oldest of the group, and with her list of extracurriculars growing every day, she needs transportation more than anyone else. Her mother must be growing sick of driving her to the homeless shelter every weekend. Still, she couldn’t quite believe it when, shortly after her return from math camp the summer after freshman year, her mother had taken her to get her learner’s permit, and she can’t believe it when she gets her driver’s license the following February. 

 

Even now, having been a licensed driver for five months, she still gets a little awestruck over it.

 

Akarsha is still working on her license, and Diya has her permit but hasn’t yet gathered the courage to attend driving school. Min’s parents won’t sign off on a permit with the quickly-deteriorating state of their relationship, so that leaves Noelle as the designated driver. Technically, she’s not supposed to have any passengers under twenty in her car until she turns eighteen, but since there’s an exception for school-related events, she figures she can just pass it off as that, provided they stick close enough to the high school.

 

During the summer, however, that excuse won’t fly, so Diya, Min, and Akarsha take to meeting up to walk together while Noelle drives herself. She could take one for the team and walk as well, but the other girls live closer to most of their preferred hangouts than she does, and the idea of that much physical activity in the heat of summer is too daunting to face. Instead, she tells her mother she’s tutoring Min in summer classes (which, although Min _is_ enrolled in summer school to catch up with the rest of them, couldn’t be further from the truth) and uses that as a reason to drive to meet her friends once or twice a week (too often would be suspicious). 

 

Snowcastle has changed owners, thus ending the Min-and-Diya ban, so they typically either meet there or at the park. Occasionally, if Noelle’s up for it, they’ll trek to the baseball field at their school to practice, just so they won’t be ridiculously rusty come September. On one unusually sweltering day in July, however, Min declares that they should all meet at the mall that afternoon (“So she can check out the sale at Hot Topic,” Akarsha claims). No one dares to object, and so at one o’clock on a Tuesday, that’s where Noelle finds herself, standing by the fountain that Akarsha and Min stole money from not so long ago.

 

Min leads them to Hot Topic, which is inconveniently placed at the far end of the mall, a decent hike from the fountain. On the way, Akarsha and Diya are engrossed in a conversation about junior year and how hellish it may or may not be (this is a prospect Noelle has already prepared herself for), Min half-pretending to care while Noelle fields texts from her cousin in Los Angeles. Cousin Emily and her insufferable mother Judy are coming down for a visit next weekend, and already, Emily’s droning on about how Noelle absolutely _has_ to apply to UCLA (a terrible idea, since UCLA’s not even in the top 10 for engineering) and how she _totally_ should drive up to take a tour soon.

 

(Noelle can think of a million things she’d rather do than tour UCLA, half of them including Akarsha and privacy, the other half involving running into traffic.)

 

They’re in front of a Starbucks when Noelle catches a flash of familiar red hair in the crowd. She halts in her tracks, watching as the redhead turns right and wanders into American Eagle. Akarsha’s flip-flops smack against the tiled walkway as she notices Noelle freezing and skids to a stop. The loud noise prompts Diya and Min to slow down, too, and it only takes Diya a moment to spot the same thing Noelle has.

 

“Is that—” she starts.

 

Noelle nods, finishing the thought for her. “Liz. It has to be. There can’t be that many redheaded white girls in this neighborhood. She must be home on summer break.” 

 

“Let’s go say hi,” Min suggests. Though she won’t ever admit it, she’d developed a soft spot for Liz by the end of their freshman year, just as Noelle had taken a secret liking to Chryssa. Seeing them go had been hard, especially with the fate of baseball club up in the air, but at least the team is thriving now.

 

Fifteen minutes later, they’re seated at their favorite boba tea place, drinks in hand as Liz tells them all about the joys and perils of college life. “I can’t believe you ended up at BU,” Diya says. “I mean, it’s so good for pre-med, but Boston is so far away…”

 

“And so cold,” Akarsha adds. 

 

Liz giggles. “Yeah, it can get pretty bad during the winter, but I like the snow,” she assures them. “Plus, I have Irish ancestry, and Boston’s like the quintessential city for that, so my parents love coming to visit me.” She takes a sip of her boba, then smiles. “It’s pretty great. But anyway, enough about me. How’s school going for you guys? You’re about to be juniors, that must be super exciting.”

 

Noelle’s about to mention their idea for building the baseball team this year, but strangely, Min jumps in before she can get a word in. “Oh, it’s great,” she chirps. Noelle hasn’t ever heard her this enthusiastic over anything other than Diya, knives, or baseball. “I even made honor roll this year.”

 

Okay, _pause_. Noelle knows for a fact that Min barely passed sophomore year, let alone made honor roll. That’s part of why she’s in summer school now — so why is she lying through her teeth to Liz?

 

She glances over at Diya, who’s now staring into the bottom of her cup, a vivid flush coloring her cheeks. She’s clearly not happy about Min’s lie, but Diya’s not the confrontational type, and she certainly isn’t going to bring it up in front of Liz. Next to her, Akarsha shifts awkwardly in her seat, the tension in the air more than palpable. Liz, however, couldn’t be more oblivious to it, eagerly chatting away to Min about possible safety schools for her and college transition programs she could apply to. Noelle drains the last of her boba as fast as humanly possible, then stands to throw it away. Obviously, she can’t call Min out on her lie now, but she needs a break from their table, if only for a moment. False academic achievements are kind of her sore spot.

 

The next thirty-five minutes before Liz decides she needs to get going are the most painful of Noelle’s life. They seem to drag by, and the sweet taste of lychee on Noelle’s tongue from her tea quickly turns sour. The fake niceties and hollow laughter of their meaningless chit-chat are driving her crazy. When Liz finally stands up and declares that she has to be heading home, Noelle nearly weeps with joy. She’s fairly confident the past half-hour should be considered a form of torture banned by the UN on grounds of cruelty.

 

Her joy instantly dissipates when, as they’re walking out, Diya says quietly, “You didn’t make the honor roll, Min.”

 

Min shoves her hands into her pockets, shoulders slumping a bit. “Yeah. I know. I lied.”

 

“Why?” Noelle’s taken aback by Diya being the one to pose this question — she’s the type to keep her irritation to herself until she can get home and run it out, a disgusting practice that Noelle has never really understood, but one that Diya has kept faithfully for as long as she’s known her. But there’s something different about this. There’s a quiver in Diya’s voice, a hint of pain that doesn’t seem to surprise Min half as much as it should. 

 

“You don’t need to be embarrassed,” Diya presses. “I don’t care what your grades are. Nobody does.” Normally, Noelle would debate the veracity of that statement, but she gets the sense that now is not the appropriate time for that.

 

And she wouldn’t have time to argue with Diya’s statement, anyway, because her last words act like fuel to a flame, striking a blaze in Min. Suddenly, the peaceful quiet of the mall is broken as Min whirls around, face contorted in a way that almost makes it look as if she’s holding back tears, and nearly yells (actually, definitely yells), “Do you know what I have in Remedial Algebra II right now, Diya?”

 

Akarsha mumbles something that Noelle can’t quite make out, but Min ignores her. “A fifty-eight, a fucking _F_!” she snaps. She’s so angry that she’s shaking, and in spite of all their previous clashes, Noelle has never seen her this upset. “I can’t even pass a goddamn _summer class_ , while you guys wanna be rocket scientists and shit and Liz is off at fucking BU, how the hell do you think I could be anything _but_ embarrassed?” 

 

Diya’s trembling now, too, but it doesn’t appear as though she has it in her to respond — she’s biting her lip so hard that Noelle can tell it’s going to bleed. 

 

Apparently the silence is all Min needs to hear. She’s storming off in a blur of black and yellow before Noelle can even fully process what’s going on. It takes a couple beats of quiet for anyone to speak up. Akarsha’s the first, of course, wide-eyed with confusion. “Uh, I guess I’ll go after her?” she offers. “Noelle, you can stay with Diya?” It sounds more like a question than anything, but Noelle just nods and gestures at her to go. The familiar thud of Akarsha’s flip-flops echoes throughout the mall as she sprints after Min, who’s already disappeared around a corner.

 

Noelle guides Diya to a bench in a remote section of the mall, further away from the crowds (and, conveniently, closer to the parking garage), and the second her butt hits the seat, Diya bursts into quiet sobs. It’s more than a little disconcerting to see her friend like this, but Noelle sits next to her and tries to help as best she can. “I’m sure she didn’t mean it,” she insists. “It’s Min, she doesn’t mean half the things she says. I’m certain she’ll call you up with an apology and a proposal for Snowcastle by the end of the hour.” 

 

Diya sniffles pathetically, and Noelle’s struck with the thought that watching her cry is akin to watching someone accidentally kick a puppy — terrible for all parties involved. “Said she had an 80. Said she was passing,” she manages to get out, eyes shiny with tears. If it would be any consolation, Noelle would tell her the truth, which is that she’s an unfairly pretty crier, but that would likely sound too similar to something Min would say. 

 

“Honestly, Diya, there’s no need to cry over it. She has until mid-August. With enough tutoring and plenty of studying on her part, she could get a passing grade — she’s right on the verge of a D-minus,” Noelle points out. A 60 would still be an abysmal grade by any standard, but in the California school system, it would be enough for Min to pass the class, and that’s all she really cares about, right? Noelle has a vague recollection of Min saying something about doing community college near wherever Diya ended up. 

 

“I’m not sad over her _grade_ ,” Diya retorts indignantly. “Just don’t like upsetting her. Or fighting with her. Or…” She trails off, but Noelle is able to fill in the blank mentally — _or anything that’s happened in the last five minutes_.

 

“She lied to me,” Diya says after a beat, staring down at her sneakers. “Don’t care about the grade, but she lied to me. She’s the only person who’s never lied to me.” Again, this is another one of those times where Noelle wants to object (didn’t Min not tell Diya she was moving until the day before they left for Florida? Does that not count as a lie?) but she lets it go for Diya’s sake. 

 

“Maybe she’s not always right, but whatever she tells me, it’s always her truth. Like, obviously I’m not a model.” Diya seems to almost scoff at the thought. “But she thinks I could be, and so I know she’s being honest when she tells me that. She’s the only person who does that. Everybody else lies at some point — even you, Noelle, no offense, but sometimes you don’t tell me stuff because you think it might upset me.” Well, she can’t deny that, even if it’s a little hurtful to think that Min might be on a higher plane of honesty than her. “And Akarsha lies about lots of things, so. Obviously she’s out. And then that just leaves my parents, which — yeah. They lie.”

 

Diya’s tears have dried, but her inner turmoil is still written all over her face, and Noelle hates that she doesn’t know what to say to make it better. Realistically, one lie shouldn’t ruin an entire relationship, especially not one with a history like Min and Diya’s, but clearly Min’s honesty was something that Diya valued more than she’d previously let on. The loss of trust — that’s not something Noelle really knows how to handle. 

 

** [2:25] Akarsha: gonna walk min home since nobodys probably in the mood for hot topic anymore. u guys good? **

 

_** [2:26] Noelle: Yes. I’ll drive Diya home. Talk later? ** _

 

** [2:26] Akarsha: sure bb drive safe **

 

Noelle chooses to ignore Akarsha’s bizarre term of endearment and tugs on Diya’s arm. “You’re in no state to be seen in public. I’m taking you home to recover.” When Diya doesn’t budge, she sighs and adds, “I’ll buy you a mango smoothie on the way.”

 

Twenty minutes later, Noelle drops off a slightly more presentable Diya, the mango smoothie having placated her just enough to get her home in one piece without necessitating a hug on her part (Noelle will admit that Diya is one of her favorite people, but she does _not_ have the energy for one of Diya’s bone-crushing hugs right now). It’s hard seeing her oldest friend like this — literally and figuratively, Diya has always been like a bastion of strength, opener of water bottles and provider of unending support. She’s not one for emotional outbursts that aren’t anxiety-related, so today’s incident at the mall had been confusing and frustrating in so many ways. Noelle just wants to get home and sleep — tomorrow will be a fresh start, and maybe when she wakes up, Min and Diya will have sorted everything out. She wishes it could be that easy.

 

Of course, the moment she walks through the door, her mother presents her with a fresh stack of workbooks and textbooks to read through and complete, so sleep doesn’t even become an option until somewhere around 10:30, the hour of the day when her mother usually decides she’s worked long enough to quit until tomorrow. Noelle abandons her Linear Algebra book the second her mother closes the door behind her, clipped “ _Goodnight_ ” still ringing in the air, and reaches for her phone. She’s got Akarsha’s number on speed dial.

 

“Hello?” Akarsha’s voice is groggy on the other line, and the sound of it makes Noelle’s chest twinge.

 

“I’m sorry, were you already in bed?” she asks, shifting the phone to her other ear to redo her braid. 

 

“Nah, I’ve just been dealing with Min all night. Talked her out of committing any felonies, recommended some high-quality anime she could watch instead — y’know, the usual,” Akarsha says. Noelle lets out a snort at the idea of Min watching any anime. That would require a sort of cognitive dissonance she doesn’t think Min could bear. 

 

“That’s too bad. Min in jail would be quite the sight.” She hesitates before her next question. “How is she, though?” Noelle hadn’t intended for the words to come out as softly as they do — without Diya, Min certainly shouldn’t mean anything to her — and she cringes internally at them, praying Akarsha won’t notice.

 

Unfortunately, Akarsha is incredibly perceptive when she wants to be. “Aw, Frenchman, you’re warming up to her, aren’tcha?” she teases. Then, a sober quality to her tone: “She’s not great. Obviously she’s upset about her class anyway, but knowing she hurt Diya really kills her. They never fight like that, y’know?”

 

Noelle sighs, securing the hair tie at the end of her braid. “Yes. Seeing them argue was… disconcerting, to say the least. But I’m sure they’ll sort it out. They have to.” The question she really wants to ask is just at the tip of her tongue, begging to slip out, but the tendrils of icy fear clawing at her chest order her to stay silent. She can’t come off vulnerable, can’t let Akarsha think she’s insecure about their relationship. Akarsha can be vulnerable if she wants, but Noelle’s feelings are an entirely different matter, and she knows that — her parents have taught her as much. 

 

“Uh, hello? You okay?” Akarsha’s concerned words break the quiet between them, and Noelle’s gotten so temporarily lost in her own mind that she almost startles at the sound. 

 

It does the trick, though. Something about the idea of Akarsha worrying about her, wondering about her emotional state, allows Noelle to briefly abandon the scolding Chinese proverbs of her youth and the idea that Akarsha won’t want to hear what’s on her mind. There’s a tightness in her lungs as she readies herself, but for once, she ignores it and presses on.

 

“I’m fine. There’s just—” She takes a breath, clears her throat. “There’s something I have to say, and I want to make sure you’re not going to pull a Diya and completely overanalyze it before I’m finished.”

 

A peal of laughter rings out in the air. “Me? Analytical?” Akarsha almost snorts. “Don’t think you need to worry about that. But go ahead, I promise I won’t pull a Diya.”

 

Noelle’s heart is beating much faster than it probably should be. “We’re not going to be like that, right?” She can hear Akarsha inhale sharply at that, and she rushes to explain further. “I mean, of course we’ll fight, all normal couples do, and our entire relationship has been based on us aggravating each other, but — promise me that we won’t ever walk away. If we get in an argument, I want us to solve it, there and then. I don’t want to just run away from the problem like Min did. I don’t… I think that would hurt more than help.”

 

Akarsha doesn’t say anything for a long second, and Noelle’s mind instantly floods with regret. _You shouldn’t have said that. How stupid could you be? She doesn’t want a crybaby for a girlfriend, she wants someone who is strong and successful, someone who can actually support her instead of depend on her. She probably thinks you’re an overemotional idiot now—_

 

“Noelle.” Akarsha’s voice is thick with something she can’t quite decipher, and now her heart threatens to stop completely. “I’m dumb, and I fuck up sometimes — a lot of the time, actually. And I might hurt you, even if I would honestly rather die than consciously do that. But I will never, _ever_ walk away from you. I promise you that. But in return, you have to promise me that you’re not gonna worry about being real with me or letting your feelings show anymore. I know your parents don’t want you to be ‘emotional’ or whatever, but I don’t care. I don’t want a perfect student, or even a perfect person. I just want you.”

 

Her cheeks are wet, and Noelle starts to swipe at them, the feeling so unfamiliar and taboo, but then she thinks back to what Akarsha’s said, and she lowers her arm, letting the tears flow. Right now, nobody’s looking. There’s no one here to wag a finger at her and tell her to shape up; this moment won’t show up on any transcripts or college applications. So maybe, at least just for now, it’s okay to cry.

 

“I promise,” she whispers. “I love you, Akarsha.”

 

“I love you too.” Akarsha yawns, probably without meaning to, and lets out a tired laugh. “This has been really nice. Honestly. But I’m a little tired, so if it’s okay—”

 

“Of course. I’ll talk to you in the morning. Goodnight.”

 

“Night, Frenchman.”

 

And as Noelle hangs up the phone, she realizes that for the first time in her life, the word “Frenchman” actually sounded sweet.

 

** [7:00] Diya: Good news **

 

** [7:00] Diya: Min and I made up :)  **

 

** [7:01] Diya: Don’t have energy to type it all out right now bc we were up all night talking but I’ll call you later and tell you all about it okay  **

 

_** [7:10] Noelle: I’m happy for you. I’ll let you know when my mom goes grocery shopping and you can call me then. ** _

 

 

 

_** [7:15] Noelle: Do you still need a tutor for your math class? ** _

 

** [7:17] Min: shut ur hell up  **

 

** [7:18] Min: if ur trying to make fun of me i dont appreciate it not everyone can have straight as ok its not my fault im not good with paraberlas **

 

_** [7:19] Noelle: parabolas** ** _

 

_** [7:20] Noelle: And I’m not trying to make fun of you. I’m actually giving you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. ** _

 

_** [7:20] Noelle: I haven’t earned anything less than a 98 in a math class since third grade, Algebra II included. With enough effort, I’m certain we could bring up your grade in a matter of weeks. I’m free Tuesdays and Thursdays, if you’re interested. ** _

 

** [7:21] Min: … **

 

** [7:21] Min: this better not be a prank or some shit like u do with akarsha **

 

_** [7:22] Noelle: It’s not, I can assure you.  ** _

 

** [7:22] Min: its just for ur college apps or key club hours or something right **

 

_** [7:23] Noelle: Of course. ** _

 

** [7:23] Min: ok. then ill see u thursday at the library i guess. 2:30? **

 

_** [7:24] Noelle: See you then. Bring your textbook. ** _

 

_junior year_

It’s a crisp fall afternoon when Akarsha tells her that she wants to introduce Noelle to her parents.

 

At first, she doesn’t quite get it. “What do you mean?” she asks, placing a bookmark in her copy of _War and Peace._ “I’ve met your parents multiple times. I’m over at your house at least once a week. I’m fairly certain they know me better than my own parents do.”

 

They’re in the school courtyard, so Akarsha can’t hold her hand, but she does shift closer, sort of leaning into Noelle’s side in a way that’ll make others think she’s just peering over her shoulder at her book. “Yeah, but I mean, like — as my girlfriend,” she says. “We’ve been dating for almost two years now. I feel like it’s time. I’m ready.” She sounds so firm, so certain, and Noelle doesn’t know what to do, how to tell her that maybe _she’s_ not ready.

 

She does her best to keep her hands from shaking as she closes her book and turns to look at Akarsha. “You might be ready, but what if they’re not ready to hear it? You still have to live with them for another year, and you’re depending on their money for college. Didn’t they vote for Prop 8?” 

 

Akarsha falters, a shadow crossing over her face. Her breath is warm on the back of Noelle’s neck as she sighs. “Yeah, but —” She stops herself, an angry huff escaping as she crosses her arms and pulls away from Noelle a little. “It’s been two years. I wanna believe that they’ve changed, okay? And they voted for Obama, so — maybe they’re not all homophobic.”

 

“Obama has said he doesn’t support gay marriage,” Noelle points out. “I don’t think voting for him constitutes anything close to acceptance.” Akarsha starts to frown, and so she pauses, takes a breath, and ensures her next words come out softer. “I’m not trying to discourage you from being comfortable with your identity. I just worry about what would happen if your parents weren’t as supportive as you imagine. What if they banned you from ever seeing me again? What would we do then?”

 

Akarsha’s brow furrows, and for a second, Noelle thinks she’s going to change her mind — but then her face relaxes, and she shakes her head. “I can’t keep feeling like I’m not being myself around my family,” she says resolutely. “The truth is that when I have to hide you away like we’re doing something wrong — which we’re _not_ — and I can’t talk to my parents or my siblings about you, I feel like I’m missing a part of who I am. It _is_ a part of who I am. So I don’t wanna hide anymore, Noelle. I promise I’ll keep you safe from any backlash, but I have to be honest with them. Okay?”

 

“Okay.” 

••••

“Dinner’s ready” shouldn’t be nearly as intimidating a phrase as it is in this moment. 

 

Sitting on Akarsha’s couch, adrenaline coursing through her veins, Noelle has never felt more unprepared or unsettled. And usually, that’s something she likes about her relationship with Akarsha — she’s one of the few people who can (very occasionally) throw her off her game, catch her by surprise and get her blood pumping a little. Akarsha helps her see the world in something other than SAT prep books and College Confidential, and though it had been irritating at first, Noelle couldn’t be more grateful for it now. 

 

Still, she wishes there were a guidebook for occasions such as this. “How to Cope When Your Girlfriend Plans On Coming Out to Her Very Possibly Homophobic Parents.” If Barnes & Noble sold that, Noelle would be the first to get her hands on it.

 

To make matters worse, Asav is home on fall break, and it’s easy to see that Akarsha is on edge as a result. She keeps fidgeting, tugging at the hem of her shirt, jiggling her knee to the point where it’s distracting. Noelle would tell her to stop, but she doesn’t want to risk calling unwanted attention to Akarsha’s nerves and ruin everything before dinner’s even started.

 

Maybe Akarsha will turn out to be right. Maybe things _will_ go well, and maybe her parents will find it in themselves to be accepting and love Akarsha for who she really is. It’s foolish to hope, Noelle knows that, but she has to try — if not for herself, then for the girl she loves. 

 

(That doesn’t make it any less terrifying.)

 

“C’mon, Noelle,” Akarsha calls out, beckoning to her from the kitchen. “Mom said dinner’s ready.” Swallowing hard, Noelle stands on shaky legs and makes her way to the table. Aavya shoots her a grin as she sits down, and that’s enough to keep her from totally panicking as Akarsha’s mother starts to pass around the butter chicken.

 

At first, everything seems to be going well. Akarsha’s parents take turns asking everyone at the table if they have something they want to share about their week, which isn’t as boring as it sounds. Asav talks a lot about the research he’s doing with a professor back at Stanford, which predictably annoys Akarsha, though to her credit, she manages to plaster on a small smile as their parents ooh and ahh over him. Aavya insists they hold a lengthy discussion about the new _My Little Pony_ TV show, which makes Akarsha perk up a bit. Noelle even contributes a commentary on the events of the recent G-20 summit in Seoul. All in all, it’s a pleasant atmosphere, and Noelle’s heartbeat slowly begins to calm as she realizes that she’s not in danger here. She’s safe, and this really could turn out okay.

 

Then the spotlight falls on Akarsha. “So, Akarsha, is there anything about your week that you’d like to share?” her mother asks.

 

Noelle can spot the telltale signs of Akarsha steadying herself from across the table. She breathes in, breathes out. Runs her hand through her hair, which is down for once (that had been a nice surprise, even if Noelle had been forced to hide her blush when she’d noticed). Coughs. Then, finally, she says: “Uh, actually, yeah.” Pauses again. “Well, I, um—” Noelle hasn’t seen her this nervous since sophomore year. Or maybe ever. “It might be stupid but I figured I should just tell you, so, um — _I’mbisexualandI’mdatingNoelleandIhopeyouguyscanstillloveme_ ,” she ends up blurting out.

 

Akarsha’s father had been in the process of taking a bite of rice, but at his daughter’s words, he lowers his fork and raises a brow. “Sorry, what? Can you repeat that, sweetie?”

 

Akarsha is a little green, but now that she’s actually said what’s been nagging at her mind for months, her relief is palpable. “Yeah. I’m bisexual, and Noelle is my girlfriend,” she repeats, louder this time, sounding almost proud, and Noelle’s chest swells with affection for her. “And I hope that doesn’t change anything for us, because I love you guys, and I don’t think that the people I choose to love should impact our love for each other as a family.” Wow. Noelle’s actually kind of impressed; it’s almost like she’s rehearsed this.

 

(She’s done this before, too. Rehearsed what she might say to her mother, to her father, even to her grandparents. Stood in front of a mirror and practiced for hours on end. But it’s only a fantasy. They’re more likely to die in an earthquake before her family even considers being accepting of same-sex couples.)

 

There’s an awkward silence for a beat or two, and Noelle’s hands start shaking. She hides them under the table when nobody’s looking. Akarsha’s mother is wide-eyed, but she’s not frowning, so that could be a good sign. Her father has yet to express any emotion at all, while Aavya is smiling as per usual and Asav just appears indifferent.

 

Funnily enough, Asav is the first to speak. “Cool, sis,” he says, popping a piece of chicken into his mouth. “And welcome to the family, Noelle. Is that all? Nothing interesting going on at school? I know junior year’s pretty crazy—”

 

“Akarsha,” her father interrupts. His fingers are turning white around his fork. “You have to know that this is completely unacceptable. Marriage is between a man and a woman — it’s the way things are intended to be, the natural order of life, you can’t simply abandon that because you’re going through a _phase_.”

 

Noelle swears she can hear Akarsha’s heart breaking in half.

 

“A phase, Dad? Really?” she spits out, face quickly going red. “It’s not a _phase_ , it’s who I am. I’ve felt this way for three years, I know that it’s not something temporary—”

 

“Dad, Akarsha, please, c’mon, not in front of Noelle,” Asav attempts to intervene. Both his sister and his father ignore him, their voices growing louder by the minute.

 

“This is _disgraceful_ , Akarsha, your grandparents would be so ashamed if they knew—”

 

“The only thing that’s disgraceful here is that my father is clearly a bigot—”

 

“I’m not bigoted, it’s simply a matter of the way the world is meant to work—”

 

“Noelle,” Akarsha’s mother says quietly from her seat at the opposite end of the table. “I think it might be best for you to leave now.” It’s all she can do to nod and slip out of the kitchen as silently as possible, Akarsha and her father still arguing furiously in the background. She’s still trembling, so she drops her keys in the doorway, and that’s when Akarsha realizes she’s gone and runs over to catch her. Noelle’s already got the front door halfway open when she feels Akarsha’s hand on her shoulder.

 

“You don’t have to go,” Akarsha insists. “You’re my guest, you’re my _girlfriend_ , you’re always welcome here—”

 

Noelle tries to keep her voice low. “I know that’s how you see it, Akarsha, but your parents clearly don’t feel the same way, so — I’d rather not make things worse.” At the crestfallen look on Akarsha’s face, she quickly adds, “It’s fine. Really. I have APUSH homework to get back to anyway.”

 

The pain in Akarsha’s eyes is obvious as she bites her lip and relents, moving her hand from Noelle’s shoulder. “Okay. See you tomorrow, I guess.” 

 

“I’ll see you then.” Noelle is afraid to do anything more than look at her, lest Akarsha’s parents have a complete meltdown, but she hopes she can convey everything she wants to say with just one look. _Be strong. I’m proud of you. You deserve better than this. I love you, I love you, I love you._

 

It’s raining, but when she steps outside she still stops for a second, trying to memorize the sight of Akarsha standing in the doorway, the potted plant on the front porch, the cracks in the stone steps leading up to the house. She tries to take in every tiny detail, because she’s not sure if she’ll ever get to see this again. This place has been like a second home to her for nearly two years, but for all she knows, this is the last time she’ll visit. 

 

It’s hard to pretend the thought of that doesn’t hurt.

 

She stays outside long enough to watch Akarsha close the door, even though her hair is practically dripping onto the pavement by now, and even as she gets into her car, she can hear the awful sound of Akarsha pleading with her parents. _“Mom, this is Noelle we’re talking about, Noelle who has come over to our house almost every week for two years, Noelle who taught Aavya how to braid, Noelle who means more to me than_ anyone _else—”_

 

She can’t take it anymore. She puts the car in reverse and floors it out of Akarsha’s driveway.

 

She doesn’t break down until she’s in her own driveway. That’s when the images of Akarsha, so upset, so angry, so _crushed_ , flood her brain, and the emotions she’s been holding back all week crash over her like a tidal wave. Without even thinking, she slams her hands against the steering wheel, breaking into quiet sobs that she hopes won’t be visible from her living room, where her mother’s probably watching a soap opera or reading the newspaper. She pounds on the wheel until she’s too sore to continue, and only then does she wipe away her tears, pull the key out of the ignition, and step out of the car.

 

She’d been foolish to hope.

••••

The next few weeks are almost unbearable. Akarsha is clearly miserable, her relationship with her parents strained and awkward, and Noelle is absolutely clueless as to what she can do to help. Diya and Min do their best to lighten the heavy mood at their lunch table, but the reality is that none of them can really be happy when Akarsha isn’t. She’s the jokester of their group, the one who’s usually making _them_ feel better about school and their parents and all the crap in between. It’s abnormal to see her like this, and everyone is on edge because of it. 

 

It’s distressing. Noelle hates — no, _despises_ feeling so helpless. She can’t even comfort her girlfriend in private, because privacy isn’t a thing they have anymore. She’s not allowed over at Akarsha’s house, which before had been their sole source of actual alone time, so there’s nowhere for them to go. They certainly can’t kiss and hug in front of the entire school — that would be a recipe for disaster. And even if they had privacy, Noelle’s not sure what she would do with it. A part of her worries that Akarsha might blame her, in a way, for everything that’s going on. After all, Akarsha probably wouldn’t have felt the need to come out if she and Noelle weren’t dating, because then Noelle wouldn’t have been such a “big part” of her life that she wanted to be able to share with her family. If Noelle hadn’t said yes when Akarsha asked her out freshman year, then they would be friends at most, and there wouldn’t be anything to hide about their relationship. They’d be normal, perfectly normal, and Akarsha’s parents wouldn’t have a single reason to ban her from seeing their daughter. Akarsha has every reason to blame her.

 

It’s just miserable.

 

Three weeks into what Noelle has deemed her own personal hell, she’s sitting at her computer, typing up a list of logical reasons as to why Akarsha’s parents shouldn’t shun their own daughter for being bisexual. It’s a coping mechanism for her, pointing out the logical errors in others’ poor decisions, so she can be certain that they’ve made the wrong choice in every way, or trying to find the logic in her own choices, so she can feel more confident in them. She does this with a lot of things — her decision to take the Physics SAT II subject test instead of the English Literature test, Diya’s decision to make her a co-captain of the baseball team, even her mother’s choice to send her to math camp at Stanford and not Berkeley this past summer. However, this is the first time she’s made a list about Akarsha. Usually, logic and Akarsha don’t mix.

 

That’s when the idea hits her.

 

It’s a quite simple concept, really. Authors can use either _logos_ , _pathos_ , or _ethos_ to appeal to readers, _logos_ being an appeal to logic, _ethos_ being an appeal to ethics, and _pathos_ being an appeal to emotion. Using _pathos_ clearly hadn’t worked with Akarsha’s parents, and involving _ethos_ likely wouldn’t work, either, as they seem pretty solid on where they stand ethically.

 

But _logos_ — logic. Noelle is a master of logic, and she’s sure that no one has tried it on Akarsha’s parents yet. Logic always works. It has to work.

 

She’s going to make it work.

••••

** [2:20] Diya: Okay we’ve got Akarsha **

 

** [2:20] Diya: Good luck **

 

_** [2:21] Noelle: Thank you. Hopefully, I won’t need it. ** _

 

Her plan is solid. Diya and Min have Akarsha distracted at Snowcastle, while Noelle’s come up with a study-related excuse to explain away her absence. While they’re at Snowcastle, Noelle is going to drive over to Akarsha’s house and present her parents with her list of logical reasons, thereby enlightening them to their own bigoted stupidity about their daughter’s sexuality. 

 

Is it foolproof? Not by any means. But it’s the best solution she can think of, so it will have to do. 

 

She’s just pulled into Akarsha’s driveway when she gets a flurry of texts from Diya and Min. 

 

** [2:45] Min: abort mission abORT MISSION ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION **

 

** [2:46] Diya: Akarsha went to the bathroom like 20 minutes ago so we went to check on her to make sure she was okay and she’s not there **

 

** [2:46] Diya: She’s gone which probably means she’s headed your way so **

 

** [2:47] Min: tURN BACK NOW **

 

** [2:48] Min: heLLo DO YOU COPPY NOELLE **

 

Before she can concoct a response, there’s a tap on her driver’s-side window. Noelle looks up to find a familiar figure in a neon windbreaker standing there.

 

_Shit_. Akarsha. Her cheeks are red, hair falling into her face — she’s obviously been running. 

 

Noelle rolls down her window. “Did you run here all the way from Snowcastle?”

 

Akarsha nods, panting heavily. “Yeah — it was weird you weren’t there— figured out what you were gonna do—” She bends over for a second, trying to catch her breath, before she straightens up fully. “You can’t do it, Noelle.”

 

“I just want to help—”

 

Akarsha laughs bitterly. It’s not a sound she’s accustomed to. “And what, you think this is gonna change anything?” she says, tears welling in her eyes. “They don’t _care_ , okay? The second they found out my love wasn’t exclusive to just one gender, they stopped seeing me as their daughter and started looking at me as an enemy. I know you wanted to help, and I love you for it, but you can’t do anything. Nothing will help.” 

 

There’s an awful knot in Noelle’s stomach at the sudden realization that there’s nothing she can do now, nothing at all to help the person she loves, nothing to make her pain go away. But like always, she nods and accepts it. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone behind your back about it.”

 

“Classic anime betrayal,” Akarsha shrugs. “No biggie.” She gives Noelle a tiny grin to assure her she’s not mad, and Noelle’s chest throbs with just how much she loves her. She doesn’t deserve Akarsha. 

 

And Akarsha’s parents certainly don’t.

••••

When Akarsha prances into the courtyard with a megawatt smile on her face the next morning, Noelle knows something is up. She’s either managed to find a ray of light in this situation, or she’s trying to cover up how unhappy she actually is. Noelle’s leaning towards the latter; usually, the bigger the smile, the bigger the problem.

 

“What’s going on with you?” Min asks as Akarsha walks up, still smiling.

 

“Please tell me this means the APUSH test is canceled,” Diya adds.

 

Akarsha shakes her head. “Even better. I talked to my parents this morning.” Noelle’s heart threatens to cease functioning.

 

“And?” Min prompts.

 

“I guess they overheard me and Noelle yesterday, because my mom said she realized she didn’t want to lose me over something so ‘ultimately inconsequential,’” Akarsha says. Noelle can hear the happiness in her voice. “And she and my dad talked about it a lot, and they — they said they wanna try. They wanna work on accepting me for who I am. They said they’re still adjusting to me dating a girl, and they will be for a while, but they’re gonna work on it, so — that’s all that really matters to me.”

 

Diya wraps her in a hug. “So happy for you.” 

 

“Yeah, that’s fuckin’ awesome, dude,” Min chimes in, clapping Akarsha on the back. 

 

Diya eyes Noelle, then looks back at Akarsha, a knowing smile spreading across her face. “Min and I gotta go get ready for English. See you later.” Min’s obviously confused, but Diya tugs her away before she can say anything. They both disappear in the general direction of the locker room.

 

There’s an awkward silence between them until Noelle speaks up. “That’s good, Akarsha. Really good. I’m glad your parents are starting to make progress with…” She trails off, unsure of exactly what to say. Truthfully, she still doesn’t know what this means for them as a couple. Is she still banned from Akarsha’s house? Are they just pretending to be accepting to avoid fighting? Will they allow Akarsha to continue to date her, or will there be terms and conditions to their newfound progressiveness?

 

“They want you to come over for dinner again,” Akarsha tells her, stepping forward to close the gap between them. She grabs her hand, and Noelle shivers. They’re at school, so they really shouldn’t be so bold, but they’re in a more secluded part of the courtyard, and this feels too good right now to be outweighed by the riskiness of it. “Like a second try. A do-over.” 

 

Noelle swallows down her fear and nods. “Like one of our requizzes in APUSH.”

 

“Exactly,” Akarsha laughs, squeezing at her hand. She’s so warm. Her voice softens. “God, I love you.”

 

Hearing those words doesn’t dissipate all of the fear, but it certainly alleviates the majority of the tension in Noelle’s chest, and for a moment, she forgets how to be scared when Akarsha cups her chin and pulls her in for a kiss. (After all these years, she still perpetually tastes like blue-flavored Hubba Bubba.) 

 

They break apart all too quickly, their brains reminding them of the danger of PDA in a setting like this, but Noelle’s left with a pleasant buzzing in her veins. “I love you too. And I’m overjoyed for you, really. You deserve to be happy being you.”

 

“So do you,” Akarsha insists. 

 

“I know, but my parents— I can’t risk—” Noelle breaks off, but Akarsha understands enough. 

 

The first period bell rings out in the air, urging them to get to class. “C’mon. Let’s go,” Akarsha says brightly, starting to walk into the sunlight. “I dunno about you, but I’m pumped for this test.”

 

And in spite of it all, Noelle smiles. Because maybe she doesn’t have supportive parents, but she has Akarsha. She has Diya, and by association, she has Min. Eventually, she might even have Akarsha’s parents again.

 

And for now, that’s all she needs. 

 

It’s enough.

 

_summer after junior year_

The fact that on her first day back from math camp, she’s going through the Common Application with Akarsha, must be a testament to how awful senior year is going to be. She wouldn’t do this with anyone else, but Akarsha can turn the most inhumane forms of punishment into a decent time at worst, so Noelle’s ignoring the panicked feeling in her chest and peering over Akarsha’s shoulder as she adds colleges to her application dashboard.

 

She raises a brow when Akarsha types “Middlebury College” into the search bar and clicks to add it to her dashboard. “Middlebury’s in Vermont,” she says after a brief hesitation.

 

“Yeah,” Akarsha replies. “Could be nice to see some snow every once in a while.” 

 

“That’s really far away.” 3,0008 miles away, to be precise — Noelle had briefly considered adding it to her list at the beginning of junior year, but her parents didn’t think Middlebury was name-brand enough (never mind the fact that it was one of the top liberal arts colleges in the country). That’s a seven hour flight. At least a two-day drive. Enough miles to feel like there’s an ocean between them, even if it’s really just the Mississippi River and somewhere around a dozen states.

 

Akarsha shrugs. “They have a decent comp sci program. My cousin Teja goes there and loves it. I think she’s a sophomore.” She’s so nonchalant about it all, and this is one of those instances where Noelle wonders how they’ve managed to make things work for so long. It’s not that she doesn’t love Akarsha — because she does, fiercely and with the kind of intensity that scares her — but they’re just so fundamentally _different_ in so many ways. Noelle would have to have a series of family meetings with her parents before even considering going to school more than 500 miles away. Akarsha, meanwhile, seems to think of it as nothing. Not a big deal. 

 

Her devil-may-care personality about the subject is a luxury Noelle wishes she could afford.

 

She can tell that she’s getting worked up, and she hates herself for it. This is so silly — it’s not as if Akarsha doesn’t care, her pros and cons about college are simply not the same as Noelle’s. And she knows, she _knows_ that Akarsha fights so hard to be able to fake casualness about this, that there’s constant voices in her head telling her she’s not good enough, too lazy, _unworthy_. It’s a daily struggle, and yet here she is, internally scolding her girlfriend for not being an utter ball of stress like she is. What is wrong with her?

 

She opts to sit on Akarsha’s bed and watch from there, hugging a pillow to her chest for comfort. It’s easy to be the supportive partner. All she has to do is stay silent and nod at the appropriate moments. She can do this. She is _not_ going to be like her mother.

 

An hour later, just before midnight, Akarsha crawls into bed next to her, having successfully added fifteen colleges to her Common App dashboard. It’s not long before Noelle can hear her snoring and knows she’s asleep.

 

She, however, can’t seem to relax enough for sleep. Her mind and heart are both racing at equally frightening rates, and she feels like at any second, she might crawl out of her own skin. She wants to, honestly.

 

She doesn’t know why the idea of Akarsha going off to Middlebury scares her so much. Maybe because she has no idea who she’ll be without Akarsha by her side. Maybe because she doesn’t want to go _back_ to who she was, the old Noelle who didn’t know the joy of having someone like Akarsha in her life. The Noelle who viewed the world in black and white, who didn’t understand that things (or people) other than perfect scores could make her happy. The Noelle who was absolutely miserable inside, even if she did a great job at hiding it.

 

(Sometimes, when she gets too in her head and starts to theorize about fate and the universe and all those fun, abstract concepts, she wonders if that’s how Akarsha found her, chose _her_ as the person to single out all year as the victim of her ridiculous pranks and jokes. Did Akarsha sense it, somehow, that Noelle was like her in a way? Did she recognize, at some point, that they were kindred spirits, two girls who felt so impossibly lost in the world? She’ll never get the courage to ask, but it’s just another reason that being with Akarsha makes her feel so improbably lucky.)

 

Before Akarsha, her entire life revolved around pleasing her parents. That’s still an important part of her life — she can’t afford college if they’re not happy enough with her to pay for it — but now there’s room for other things, too. She listens to music other than “brain-stimulating” sonatas. She laughs at stupid memes. She thinks that maybe, just maybe, she might get to be happy with herself one day, and not just happy with what other people have to say about her. 

 

She hopes — she hopes for a lot of things. And it doesn’t always work out, but Noelle has learned that it is so much better to hope and not receive than to never have any hope at all. Life without hope is like a life spent in the dark. It’s tiring, and miserable, and alone. And Noelle doesn’t want to know what that’s like again. She _can’t_ go back to that again.

 

But if Akarsha moves across the country — if they only get to see each other once or twice a year— 

 

Noelle doesn’t allow herself to finish that sentence in her head, but somewhere deep inside, she can sense something cracking.

 

She doesn’t want to believe this might be the start of a long process of loss. But she’s not a stupid girl.

 

_senior year_

_Dear Noelle,_

_The admissions committee has met and I am sorry to inform you that we are not able to_ _admit you to Princeton this year._

 

She read those words for the first time exactly two hours and thirty-seven minutes ago, but every time that stupid voice in her head decides to repeat them, they hurt as though she’s seen them before. 

 

Her mother was right. She’s lazy. She won’t be successful. She’s not going to Princeton. She’d be lucky to end up at Berkeley.

 

_“You are a disappointment, Noelle. We have given you everything, and this is how you repay us. Such a lazy child. I wonder how you feel about befriending that Indian girl now? The one who always nearly beat you on the exams. She won’t be there for you when she gets into MIT.”_

 

_“Give me that phone. You’ll only use it for idle distractions while we’re gone. While we are at the company party, you will work on your Harvard application. Your mother tells me it’s due Tuesday. I expect your essays to be finished and on my desk tomorrow morning.”_

 

She feels like she’s not exactly in her own body anymore, as though her soul has decided to take a stroll somewhere else. Looking at the letter still pulled up on her computer screen, she suddenly can’t muster up a reaction. It’s like she’s hollowed out inside. A husk. Detached.

 

She can’t find the energy to care about her Harvard essays right now, either. Instead, she pulls up Gchat and types out a message to Akarsha with shaking hands. There’s typos, and that’s something she’d normally never allow, but tonight it doesn’t matter. Tonight, she just wants Akarsha here.

 

**Noelle:** Akarsha can you come oevr

**Noelle:** My parents aren’t home but I jsut need you here

**Noelle:** Please

 

**Akarsha:** b there in 5

 

Fifteen minutes later, Akarsha stands there helplessly as Noelle paces around her bedroom. The numbness is gone, but it’s been replaced by an overwhelming mixture of emotions, all bubbling up just underneath the surface, and it’s bordering on too much to handle.

 

“I’m so embarrassed,” Noelle mutters, more to herself than anything. “How am I going to tell Diya? The entire school is going to know, anyway, of course, everyone will have figured it out by now since my mother hasn’t posted anything on Facebook—”

 

Akarsha places a hand on her shoulder, but she’s so warm, and Noelle’s skin feels like it’s burning up to begin with, so she pushes her away. She’s never had a panic attack before, but she has enough experience with them thanks to dealing with Diya’s anxiety for years, and she’s pretty sure that all the symptoms are there. Her breathing is coming fast and shallow, she’s sweating like crazy, her chest is so tight that a heart attack must be imminent, and the walls feel like they’re about to close in on her. It’s terrifying, in the sense that she knows she’s about to lose control. The dying part doesn’t worry her so much.

 

“C’mon, Noelle. You got rejected from the top university in the nation — so what? You’ve got bigger fish to fry!” 

 

Akarsha winces the moment the words leave her mouth, like she instantly realizes how stupid it was. But Noelle’s already one step ahead of her — as what Akarsha’s said finally registers, it’s like she can physically feel something snapping inside her.

 

“Bigger fish to fry.” She laughs humorlessly, and Akarsha’s eyes widen. “ _Bigger_ fish to fry? Akarsha, there is nothing bigger out there than Princeton. That was it, that was _it_ for me, and it’s only going to go downhill from here. There are no better options, don’t you get that?”

 

“Okay, so Princeton was your top choice. Now you gotta make somewhere else your top choice. Just think about all the things you hate about Princeton, that’ll help—”

 

“The only thing I hate about Princeton is that they rejected me. However, I can think of plenty of things I hate about everything else. I hate that I got a 2380 on my SAT and not a 2400. I hate that Kim Park scored one point higher on the Physics midterm than I did. I hate that I have to pay $65 for the pleasure of an impersonal rejection letter on a screen, I hate that I’m never going to be good enough to satisfy my parents—” Noelle stops to take a breath. Akarsha is biting her lip so hard that it threatens to bleed.

 

“Noelle, don’t be so hard on yourself. I promise that five years from now, this is gonna seem like nothing. You’ll look back on this and laugh—”

 

It’s not even the suggestion that she might someday laugh at something of this magnitude that breaks her. It’s the idea that five years from now, she’ll still have to occasionally think about her rejection from Princeton, because this isn’t some sort of twisted nightmare she can wake up from. This is reality, and it will never not be her reality.

 

_That’s_ what breaks Noelle. 

 

“ _Laugh_? Akarsha, you haven’t been rejected from a single school yet. For God’s sake, you’ve got an acceptance to UC Berkeley’s computer science program, you cannot stand there in your stupid fucking Sonic socks and tell me that I’ll _ever_ be able to laugh at my own failure after I spent my entire childhood working my ass off while you skated your way through high school! Anyone else would despise you for that!” 

 

She is panting with the sheer force of her ranting by the time she is done, and the sound of it only makes the silence on Akarsha’s end all the more noticeable. It doesn’t take long to recognize that she’s made a mistake, especially when she glances up at her girlfriend and spots an odd look of pain on her face. 

 

Pain. She did that. She hurt Akarsha. God, she really is a failure in every sense of the word. 

 

Akarsha’s voice is tight when she finally does speak. “You know how much went into that acceptance, Noelle. You know how many goddamn times I cried myself to sleep to get there. Don’t you fucking _dare_ act like it was ever easy.” It’s so obvious that she’s holding back tears, and _oh_ Noelle has never hated herself as much as she does in this moment. Rejection from Princeton is one thing; lashing out at the sole person who’s always there for her is an entirely different matter, a whole new level of inexcusable. 

 

She steps forward, attempting to close the gap between them, but Akarsha moves away from her, one hand already on the doorknob. “No, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t really mean that, I’m just—” 

 

“You obviously meant it, or it wouldn’t have come out just now. We’ve been dating for three years, Noelle, I know how you operate — you spill your guts when you’re really angry,” Akarsha says quietly. Noelle has never heard something so depressing. “I think I should just go now before we say anything else we might actually mean.”

 

“Hold on, just let me — Akarsha, _wait_ —”

 

The door doesn’t slam behind her as she leaves, and somehow, that’s almost worse.

••••

Akarsha skips out on their usual morning meeting in the courtyard. Noelle isn’t sure whether to be thankful or upset that Diya and Min don’t bother to ask where she is — the idea of Akarsha telling them about what she’d said hurts too much to linger on. She has trouble concentrating in her classes, too focused on formulating a plan to apologize to Akarsha and fix this mess.

 

She has already lost Princeton and, with it, any chance of ever earning her parents’ full approval. She cannot afford to lose Akarsha, too. She _won’t_.

 

When she arrives at their lunch table at noon on the dot, Diya and Min quickly run off to the lunch line (even though they already have trays). She finds Akarsha hunched over a Biology textbook, one bun lilting to the side as she reads.

 

Noelle pretends not to notice the way Akarsha flinches when she sits down next to her. “Can we talk?” 

 

“I guess if both of our voice boxes are functioning, yeah,” Akarsha replies dryly, flipping the page. She won’t meet Noelle’s eyes. Everything about that is painful.

 

Still, Noelle presses forward. “I just need you to know that I love you, and I’m sorry.”

 

The bitter laugh that seems to tear from Akarsha’s lips gives her awful flashbacks. “You love me? Really? Because going off of what you said last night, it doesn’t seem like there’s much you even _like_ about me.” 

 

There’s a terrible twisting in her chest at that. “Akarsha, you have to know that I love you—”

 

Akarsha shuts her book and stands. “I have a Bio test in thirty minutes. I need to study in peace. I’ll talk to you later.” _Later_ sounds more like _never_ , but Noelle has no choice but to accept it as she watches Akarsha walk away.

 

Diya and Min pretend not to notice the tears in her eyes when they return.

••••

Of course she never handles failure well, but this kind of failure seems to hurt the most. It’s harder to grasp than a 99% on a test or a missed question on a quiz, because then, Noelle can analyze her failures. She can tell where she went wrong. But here, with Akarsha, happiness was so close, _just_ in her grasp, and for some reason she can’t even begin to comprehend, she had to go and mess it all up.

 

(Logically, Noelle knows she was never really meant to have a relationship like what she’s had with Akarsha. People like her, people who don’t know how to communicate in anything beyond business terms, people who can’t fully process emotion — people like her aren’t intended for that kind of happiness, because they only end up hurting everyone around them, including themselves, when all is said and done. She’d been lucky to make it one day, let alone three years. It’s probably time for her to count her losses, lick her wounds, and move on.)

 

(But moving on is _so_ damn hard when Akarsha is involved.)

 

She’s grateful that Diya and Min don’t attempt to mediate — it would just be more painful that way, and endlessly embarrassing. Besides, the idea of an intervention seems selfish when she’s the only one who’s really hurting. Akarsha appears to be fine — she’s got a friend or two outside of their little group, girls she’s met through programming camp and anime club, so when she stops showing up to lunch altogether, at least Noelle knows she has someone else to lean on. When they occasionally cross paths in the courtyard or the classroom, Noelle does her best to look away as quickly as possible, even if that’s a feat sometimes easier said than done. It’s not as hard when she catches Akarsha laughing over a dumb meme on her phone or smiling at one of her friends, though. The idea of Akarsha’s happiness is more palatable than the idea of her sadness.

 

Through it all, she copes, carrying on in spite of the constant hollow feeling in her chest. She throws herself into her work, sets reminders on her phone of when midyear reports are due, because Harvard, Yale, and Stanford would positively cringe at the sight of a B on her transcript. She eats dinner in her room, shoveling forkfuls of stirfry into her mouth while poring over abstract theorems and College Confidential posts. Most importantly, she keeps to herself — responds to Diya and Min’s texts just enough to not worry them, participates minimally in lunchtime conversations, jogs for a few minutes here and there in the afternoons if Diya’s looking particularly anxious.

 

She’s fine. She may not be happy, but she’s fine. Life without Akarsha might not hold as much color, but it still goes on.

 

(In spite of herself, there’s a part of Noelle that wonders if she’d rather have known that color and lost it, or never have known it at all.)

 

(Maybe, that way, this wouldn’t hurt so much.)

••••

Baseball club starts up a week and a half into their kind-of-sort-of breakup. Noelle can’t hide her surprise when Akarsha shows up on the first day, uniform already on, cap slightly askew, smiling and ready to put the new freshmen through their paces.

 

It’s enough to throw her off completely, and when the ache in her stomach doesn’t go away, she decides to temporarily shirk her duties as co-captain and head home, claiming a sudden bout of the stomach flu. The wrinkle in Diya’s brow hints at the transparency of her lie, but Noelle doesn’t have it in her to care; caring has become too exhausting.

 

Naturally, Diya and Min barrage her with texts the moment she gets home.

 

** [3:10] Diya: I’m worried about you Noelle **

 

** [3:11] Diya: I know this thing with Akarsha sucks but you’re my co-captain **

 

** [3:12] Diya: And I’m really counting on you to help me make our last year great so please let’s get through this together **

 

 

** [3:12] Min: wassup ho hows the vomiting going **

 

** [3:14] Min: ok real talk we all kno u dont have the stomach flu so can u just woman up and talk 2 akarsha alredy pls n thank u **

 

** [3:14] Min: i rlly wanted 2 say “stop being a pussy ass bitch” but diya told me that was mean **

 

** [3:15] Min: oops gotta go diya saw my text catch u later **

 

 

_** [6:00] Noelle: Hi all. My apologies for my hasty departure from practice this afternoon; thankfully, I am now feeling much better. However, due to other unforeseen circumstances, as things currently stand, I fear I may be doing the team a disservice by continuing to serve as your co-captain. I will re-evaluate the situation again at the end of the week to be absolutely sure, but I doubt my decision will change. Please consider this my soon-to-be-official resignation. I’m sorry to anyone I may have disappointed.  ** _

 

••••

Diya’s quiet anger the next day is almost scary. Sometimes, Noelle wishes she would just let everything out instead of bottling it all up inside, but she likely wouldn’t survive the result of that. The other girl’s disappointment is palpable, and that serves as punishment enough. Noelle can’t even complain when Diya sends her to grab a spare bat during practice, although it’s unseasonably warm out and the trek has her sweating buckets by the time she gets to the locker room.

 

She swears she hears an odd creaking behind her as she steps through the doorway, searching for the corner where Diya had said she’d placed the leftover bats from last season, but this area of the school is in dire need of refurbishing, so she brushes it off. The locker room can get admittedly creepy at night, but there’s still a good two and a half hours of sunlight left before Noelle has to worry about what might be hiding in the dark here.

 

She’s just bent over to pick up a bat when she hears a loud _thud_ , and then a shout. “Min? _Hello_? What the fuck?!” Oh, god. She knows that voice, and Noelle’s breath hitches as it fully clicks in her mind. What is Akarsha doing in here? 

 

Bat dangling loosely from one hand, she carefully retreats from the corner and approaches the entrance to the locker room, where Akarsha is currently beating her hands on the door, yelling at someone on the other side (Min, she assumes). “Uh, Akarsha?” she calls out. Her voice comes out sounding timid and small, and she hates that, but maybe Akarsha won’t notice.

 

Akarsha lets out a gasp and whips around, leaping into a defensive stance. It takes her a couple seconds, but when she realizes it’s Noelle standing there, her arms drop to her sides. “Who told you it was a good idea to sneak up on someone with a baseball bat?” she says.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be out on the field?”

 

“Aren’t _you_?” Akarsha counters, raising a brow. Noelle’s chest throbs painfully. She’s missed that look.

 

“Diya sent me to grab a spare bat,” she retorts, displaying the bat in her hand. “What’s your excuse?”

 

“Min asked me to get another set of knee pads — ” Akarsha cuts herself off, brow furrowing as something apparently dawns on her. “Ohmigod. This is like straight out of _Best Student Council_.”

 

“I’m sorry, what?” Noelle can’t help the irritation that creeps into her voice; this isn’t exactly her idea of fun, and she wants nothing more than to get the hell out of this locker room and deliver this bat to Diya so she can feign another sudden illness, go home, and attempt to forget she ever had emotions.

 

“They locked us in,” Akarsha says, pointing to the closed door. “Diya and Min are obviously in on this together. They both sent us to get stuff, and then trapped us in here so we would—” She falters, but Noelle can fill in the blank.

 

There’s an awkward beat of silence between them before Akarsha lets out a loud groan and sinks to the floor, head in her hands. “Holy shit, we’re never gonna get out of here,” she moans. 

 

It’s a perfectly rational assumption, but something about it sends pain lancing through Noelle’s stomach, and suddenly, she can’t keep it in anymore. “I know I hurt you, Akarsha, and I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I feel like you’re at least owed an explanation.”

 

When Akarsha doesn’t respond, she sucks in a breath and continues. “I was ashamed of myself, not just because of Princeton, but because I knew you deserved far more than I could offer. I knew you were settling, and that eventually someone better would come along, and the thought of that was unbearable. So when you came over, it all just came out, because I was so ridiculously emotional, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Self-sabotage, I guess.”

 

Her hands are shaking. Akarsha is still quiet. “You don’t have to believe me, but I swear to you that I don’t hate you. I never have, not even when I met you and I instantly knew we would be exact opposites. Because the truth is, Akarsha, there are so many things that I love about you, some of which I can’t even describe. I love your dumb jokes — they always make me happy, even if I’m pretending not to like them — and I love those buns you put your hair in. I love how you’re obsessed with that shampoo I got you from Taiwan and how it leaves you smelling like oranges, and I even love your eyesore of a windbreaker.”

 

There’s something wet trailing down her cheeks, but Noelle doesn’t pause to wipe it away. Instead, she clears her throat and says, “I love your sense of humor and your relentless optimism. I love your intelligence and the hard work you put in everything, even if you want to hide it. I love how kind you are with Aavya and how supportive you are of Asav. But most of all, really, Akarsha, I just love _you_. And I just — I just thought you should know that. Because even if we’re not together, I don’t want you to spend a single second thinking I hate you, because that couldn’t be further from the truth.”

 

A moment goes by where Noelle accepts that the world is going to crumble around her, fully and completely, because Akarsha could never love her back and she has never felt so raw and exposed in her life. There is a moment where Noelle contemplates the reality of a future without Akarsha, and in that moment, she understands what absolute hopelessness feels like.

 

But then she hears her name, all choked-up and breathless: “ _Noelle_.” And that is the moment when Noelle realizes that everything is going to be okay, one way or another.

 

 

Akarsha is looking up at her, misty-eyed and half-smiling, and Noelle lets the bat clatter to the floor as she’s tugged down to sit with her. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—” Noelle starts to stammer out again, but Akarsha hushes her.

 

“Just listen for a second, okay?” she says, pleadingly enough that Noelle nods and instantly clams up, a victory no one else will ever be able to claim. Akarsha laughs, and Noelle thinks she has never heard a sweeter sound.

 

“I don’t care about ‘deserve’. I don’t care about ‘better’. I just want you, in all your snooty, perfectionist, New Balance-wearing glory,” Akarsha tells her. “This past week — it’s been bad, and we’re gonna have to work to make sure we don’t let something like this happen again, but. Noelle, I love you. _You_. And that matters more than any of the other shit, in the end.”

 

They’re both crying pretty openly at this point, but when one of them pulls the other into a kiss (Noelle’s not really sure who), _happy_ is the only word on her mind as everything else melts away.

 

(The scandalized expressions on Diya and Min’s faces when they open the locker room five minutes later is just the cherry on top.)

 

_summer after senior year_

Their last dinner together comes far too quickly, and Noelle’s not even close to prepared for the emotional consequences.

 

It is a Thursday in August, and they are all squeezed into a booth at Bombay Garden, knees knocking against each other, laughing loudly as they recall the Great Pani Incident of 2008 over plates of tandoori chicken and jasmine rice. There are smiles all around, but there’s an undertone of sadness to them, a bittersweetness that does unspeakable things to Noelle’s heart. 

 

She can’t believe how far they’ve come. At fourteen, four years felt like a lifetime, but in hindsight, high school has really flown by, and there is so much to look back on — regrets, accomplishments, good times, bad times, and everything in between. They’re not perfect — far from it, in fact — but Noelle is so, _so_ proud of them.

 

Diya leaves for Stanford tomorrow morning; she’ll be moving into her dorm sometime around noon (Noelle has no idea why she’s memorized all of their schedules, but at the time, it felt like a brilliant idea). And starting next week, she and Min will officially live in the same town again; thanks to a part-time gig at a local gym she’s held since sophomore year, Min has saved up enough money to rent an apartment of her own while she attends San Jose Community College, a mere eighteen-minute ride from Stanford’s campus. Next year, Min and Diya plan to share that apartment. Noelle couldn’t be happier for them.

 

As for Akarsha, she has a flight to Canada next Monday — Noelle helped her buy the ticket. The University of Toronto, globally ranked for its computer science program, will be her home for the next four years. When Akarsha had first turned down the offer from Berkeley to accept a full ride at UToronto, Noelle had been baffled. Why wouldn’t she want to stay close to home, close to the family she loved so much, close to _her_? But the more research she’d done, the more she’d realized just how great of a fit the school was for Akarsha — it would be the perfect place for her to really be free and excel. So she’ll take the 2,631 miles between them, because Akarsha will be happy — and that matters more. 

 

And Noelle, well — she departs for Berkeley next Friday. Alone. Turns out the prospect of Kim Park going to Princeton instead of her daughter hadn’t meshed well with her mother’s ideas, and this revelation at graduation had resulted in a blow-up fight between Noelle and her parents. When Akarsha had stood up for her, Noelle’s mother had instructed her to never see Akarsha again — but funnily enough, with a full ride scholarship in the equation, it had dawned on Noelle that she didn’t really need her parents anymore. Sure, they needed her, a source of bragging rights to the other Asian parents in town, but she didn’t need them. They weren’t worth the lasting emotional damage and the constant pressure to be perfect. They weren’t worth her happiness.

 

So Noelle had left. Moved in with Akarsha and her family for the summer after they graciously offered her their home if she agreed to babysit Aavya every once in a while. Her mother has tried to get in touch with her, begging for her forgiveness, offering up countless apologies that all sound equally hollow, but Noelle’s not at a place where she’s ready for that yet. She needs time to heal, time to figure out who she is when she’s no longer defined by her GPA and SAT score. She needs time without piles of workbooks to fill that empty place in her heart. She needs time to be human.

 

Akarsha’s family will still be in Canada on Friday, helping her move in, so Noelle will embark on the biggest journey of her life alone. Diya and Min, however, will be waiting there for her, since Berkeley is only about an hour from Stanford. Four years ago, she’d never have pictured moving into college with her best friends, but now, it sounds like the best idea she’s ever had.

 

She has a lot to learn, and the prospect of school without Akarsha by her side is admittedly a scary one. Maybe she’ll get her first B. Maybe it’ll take her a while to make friends, or maybe she’ll walk into the wrong classroom on the first day of classes. But those things don’t seem as horrifying anymore, because Noelle has learned that the narrow definition of success she once held was so very wrong. Success isn’t necessarily a spot on Forbes’ 30 Under 30 list or a 4.0 GPA; success can be making someone she loves smile until their cheeks hurt, or teaching a seven-year-old how to French-braid her hair. Success cannot always be so easily defined.

 

And in her heart, Noelle knows that she’s already had her biggest success of all. 

**Author's Note:**

> okay, important notes i feel the need to add for further clarification:
> 
> 1) i understand that some of you might not be super happy with the idea of diya and min arguing. it definitely wasn't fun to write, but i felt like that was important to include, and here's why: there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. even your otps will argue -- honestly, it wouldn't be healthy to go four years in a relationship without ever once arguing. i cannot imagine diya and min growing into young adults together without there being some sort of friction between them over something, and i can definitely see min feeling insecure about her academic accomplishments compared to diya, since diya is pretty much a straight-a student and min is struggling just to stay at one school. min probably worries that diya will leave her for someone on the same level of intelligence as her, because at 15/16, you don't really understand that there's more than one way to be "smart" in the world. thus, my idea for their argument was born. i also wanted to include noelle and akarsha being affected by it, because when two couples spend a lot of time together, it's not crazy to think that one couple's conflict might unnerve the other couple a little bit. if you wanna talk more about that particular scene (there are a lot of details i put in there that i'd love to discuss with people), feel free to comment below!
> 
> 2) before y'all think i'm pulling this out of nowhere, it is true that up until mid-2012, obama did not publicly support gay marriage. he wavered a lot in order to avoid losing more conservative voters in the 2008 election, but it was not until may 2012 that he officially said, "yup i believe same-sex couples should be able to get married". fun fact, he was the first president to publicly support gay marriage. i'm not trying to start drama or insult obama, bc i actually do admire him a lot, i'm just trying to point out the reality of the political climate at the time so you can better understand why even in 2012, noelle and akarsha might still be nervous about coming out or going public with their relationship at school.


End file.
